The Movie NO ONE should ever watch, but I did…

About a week ago a friend at work asked me if I’d seen the trailer for this movie that was blowing up on Twitter. I hadn’t seen it, so he played it for me and my knee-jerk response was “This is a joke… right?”. Turns out it wasn’t, this “gem” of a movie actually exists!

What It’s About:

It’s called Sharknado and someone, somewhere decided that there really wasn’t a single good idea left for a movie, so they chose to destroy the reputation of poor sharks, worse even than Jaws did. The story follows Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering), a 40 something bar owner who has to fight off rabid sharks tearing through Los Angeles, carried by a Tornado.

What I thought:

sharkSo going into this movie I knew it was going to be bad… really bad! I mean just look at the poster and the cast: Tara Reid, Ian ZieringJohn Heard and Jaason Simmons (who has to have the most unsettling face I’ve ever seen). The thing is I still thought it would be hysterical and worth watching just for the ridiculous factor… but it really wasn’t.  It was just plain BAD. Here’s a breakdown of what made this movie terribly bad, instead of just bad.

The cinematography: Or should I say lack of! A first year chemistry student could have shot this movie better. There are several random cuts that look like they are shot on a 2MP camera, then there are several random shots that have had a weird filter put over them for no reason, and a bunch of random dramatic shots that have no context – you save a bunch of school kids (who don’t really seem to be in any danger) but then have a slow motion, sepia shot of someone pulling up the fat bus driver? Really? On top of all that the sharks are so terribly done, in some scenes you don’t even know what you are looking at and then the shots that they use of real sharks have been shot through the glass at an aquarium! I know the budget was low, but really if you can’t do something right, don’t do it at all.

The acting/ Characters: Just terrible! Reid reached an all time low on this one (and she looked really old and leathery), I didn’t believe her for one second, she couldn’t even convince me that she was talking to a person on the phone. I also found her character to be vapid and annoying.

Zeiring was a little disappointing, I’ve only ever seen him in Beverly Hills 90210 and Domino, but he was pretty decent in them. I was hoping he would bring some respect to the film, but he didn’t. His character was also not very believable, he cares about everyone and yet his kids and ex-wife think he’s a bastard. Why? Because he cares about others. Really?

CS shark2The only exception was Cassie Scerbo who didn’t do a half bad job (or maybe she was just the least bad out of the bad actors), despite the fact that she was half naked for the whole movie. He character was the only one who had a believable feel to her, and this is where I think she might have been won the” best actress of Sharknado award”. Her character had a rich-ish back story that you actually wait the whole movie to hear about, and she was the only one smart enough to pick up a damn weapon.

The other characters don’t even merit the time it would take to write about them.

The story: Ok so let’s forget that this is the worst idea EVER for a movie and just look at what it is that makes a movie work, what makes you keep watching. 1) a beginning, 2) an inciting incident, 3) a climax and 4) an ending.

shark1The movie just kind of started, there is a tornado in the middle of the ocean and a bunch of angry, badly SGI’d sharks swimming away from it. Then we are in some random bar, and suddenly it’s Jaws with sharks jumping (yes, actually jumping) at swimmers and eating them. From there we go into sharks that can apparently fly via tornado, they get thrown through windows and then proceed to eat the nearest person (not that I blame them, I’d be pissed too if someone had just thrown me through a window). After that the story follows Zeiring’s character as he rescues his family (who hate him). He’s joined on his mission by a drunken patron, his facially challenge friend who seems to be from Tasmania, and the half naked waitress who (for some reason) has the hots for him, even though she’s a good 15 years younger than he is. At one point they figure they can stop the carnage by blowing up the tornado’s and Zeiring cuts himself out of the belly of a shark (which was the moment when I started laughing hysterically and preparing my brain as it turned to mush). There was no rhyme or reason to the series of events, and the best part of the movie was the credits at the end, which moved at lightning speed (apparently no one wanted anyone to know they were associated with the movie, not that I blame them).

The problem with Hollywood, and movies in general, these days is that people will talk, blog (case in point), Facebook and Tweet about the bad just as much, if not more, than the good, and I think that’s why they made this movie. Not because it was going to win an Oscar or because it was entertaining, just because they wanted to see if people would talk about it. And they did.

If you’re like me, very curious and will watch anything, I still wouldn’t recommend this movie. There’s nothing about it that makes you stand up and say “hey it was crap, but at least it was entertaining”. Do yourself a favour and give this one a miss, for your IQ, and the 86 min you could use to do something better – like wax your bikini.

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4 thoughts on “The Movie NO ONE should ever watch, but I did…

  1. Aha asylum films always are a laugh to watch, Sharknado is rumoured to hit the cinemas you know? I much prefer Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus though, nice review! 🙂

    • Thanks Liam! I must admit I had a few good laughs while watching it, but the bad cinematography killed me. I’ve heard, that really worries me, if it looked that back on TV can you imagine how bad it would look on the big screen?

      • They are just made for humour now and I know I could imagine but the more worrying thing is that it will probably be quite successful, must prefer asylums “feature films remakes” Atlantic Rim and Snakes on a Plane ((yep that exists))

        • I know, I worry about society some times. I LOVED Snakes on a Plane! That’s what I was kinda hoping this movie would be like, just so ridiculous that it’s hysterical but still entertaining. At least the CGI and cinematography was still good.

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